fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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