When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If I die, sorry about rent.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
