I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
