I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
