Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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