We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
