Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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