I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize