who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
