Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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