Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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