he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
