I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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