I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
