Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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