I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
