I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
