The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
