Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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