was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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