I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
