So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
