I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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