Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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