yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
