The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
