Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
