Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
