It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I need to wash the frat house off of me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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