The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
