Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
