me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
