Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish I only lived at night.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
