she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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