My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
