I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
