It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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