I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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