Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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