All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
