I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She needs sedatives and a leash
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
