i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
