I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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