Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
