my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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