I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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