i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
