My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
