there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
