I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
