I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
