I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I met the friendliest cop last night
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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