you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
