I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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