I'm pants shitting drunk right now
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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