Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
3pm strippers are depressing
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
